If you can't convince them, confuse them

Monday, February 28, 2005

Ouch

My poor Brooke got the cat dropped on her head this morning by Megan. The whole left , no wait, the whole right side of her face is scratched. It damn near scratched her in the eye! I took a picture of Brooke last night. I LOVE LOVE it! Actually, it was a series of photos of her. The one I love. the others... I don't know how to say this. In the other shots, she looks so 'normal'-for Brooke. Quirky, goofy, making weird faces, half smiles etc. To me they are good but I just don't show them. I have shown them to a few people who comment on how she doesn't look happy or my timing was "off". No sir. My timing wasn't off. She's autistic. SHE'S off. Well, sort of. It's so hard to know that your child isn't what people perceive as normal. I have recently learned to take picture and capture Brooke. Screw trying to capture what everyone else my see as cute. It's just been a journey for me to accept that she has autism, deal with it and then embrace it. I keep trying to tell myself HA! Maybe they were wrong. Maybe she doesn't have autism! She isn't doing "A" anymore and hardly does 'B" anymore.. and no sooner do I say that and she'll completely act wacko, have a melt down, posture, stim, etc... I don't know why I hold out hope. I don't know what's so wrong with how she is. Well, that's not true. I do know what's wrong. What's wrong is the unknown. How will she grow up? How will she manage? Will she mature? Will she be self-sufficient? I mean, as parents, we only want what is best for our kids right? You want them to "be all they can be" without sounding too Army'ish. Well,that's all I want too!
I feel like sometimes I got the shit end of the deal. Why do I get the autistic little girl with the severe kidney disorder, topped off with learning disabilities. Why did I get HER and then also 2 more with health, mental, learning issues. I can't understand what my own kids say most of the time. I laugh at it. But inside it hurts. I just want to be able to hold a conversation. Nathan has started to say Jackhole. He's not sure if you're a jackass or an asshole. But because he can't "talk" he says you a jah-ho. Cute. funny.. but to me? Sad. He's over 4!! He can't say squat!
I have to ground myself and remember that it could be way worse. Maybe they can't talk at all. A lot of autistic kids are nonverbal. Let's count my blessings. At least Brooke has never needed a transplant... At least they can run, walk, ride a bike, etc. They can't count the bikes, but they can ride them :) At least they are here. I mean some parents lose their kids and would give anything to have them back even if it means dealing with the issues I have. So how big are my issues? Really small I guess in comparison to what they could be.

Well I guess I'm whining...I'm going to go figure out what's wrong with my TV...

1 Comments:

  • Missy - I have those "why me, why MY kid" days - and, like you, try and look at the fact that there are others out there who are much worse off..

    After Justin's 1st surgery, he was sharing a recovery room with a little boy (about his age at the time 8-9 months) who had been IN his car seat when the car was in an accident - ONE of his parents was killed and the other seriously injured. The little boy had multiple surgeries and was obviously going to be paralyzed - he suffered a severe spinal cord injury -

    as sad as it is for that family - it REALLY put things in perspective for me ..

    Your kids are beautiful. Brooke is beautiful - there is a mysterious 'depth' in her eyes - that girl is going to BE something - count on it :P

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At March 01, 2005 12:12 AM  

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